I am currently sitting in a coffee shop I have never been to before. I am Sipping on green tea, my hair is in my face, and I’m staring at an impossibly attractive guy. And all I can think is… I am still in love with him. Him, the old boyfriend. The boyfriend who broke my heart. The ex-fiancee that I no longer talk to. My heart was still broken and I couldn’t move on. It was my own fault. I knew he wasn’t a believer when I met him and I thought, “Maybe he could be. Maybe I could show him the truth!” And boy, did I try! I tried the hardest I could to explain to him Christ’s love. I tried to teach him forgiveness and love the way Jesus did it. All the while, I was really only just learning myself. I used to cry out to God, “Fix it Father!” His timing was not good enough for me. I loved a man and I loved God but the two didn’t know one another. I had to watch my soldier boyfriend go through the trenches and fire of the world trying to tell him I have the answer! I wanted so desperately for him to share in the love and gift I had received from the God I began to feel a tug from my boyfriend to follow the rules of the world instead of the rules of the Lord. I loved him so much. HIm, my boyfriend. I wanted nothing more than to please him and to love him. But, without Christ present in the relationship I felt myself slipping farther and farther away from HIM. HIM, my heavenly father. Who loved me and wants what’s best for me and told me ahead of time, “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” ( 2 Corinthians 6:14) HIM, who sent his only son to die on the cross to save me from my sins. I felt myself being forced to choose between him and HIM. It was the hardest choice I have had to make. I chose my Savior. I thought the choice would kill me and I found myself begging again, “Fix it Father.” This time still asking for the man I loved so much but also for my self-inflicted broken heart.
So that’s where I am. Confident in my decision but still heartbroken nonetheless. I know I am not the only one who has gone through this! There are so many more details to the story I am not quite ready to share. It took me realizing it on my own (without the forceful influence of others) to really understand the difference between someone who believes there is a God and someone who is actively pursuing a relationship with Christ. I still adore my ex-boyfriend. I still have a secret hope that he will find God one day! Regardless of if we end up together or not. As time goes on and as I heal more I would love to share my story of how I refocused my life on Christ. I know that this isn’t the end! Celine Dion says it best, my heart will go on and if you’re going through something similar yours will too! 🙂
“HE heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
“Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”